Giving Him Hell_A Saturn's Daughter Novel Read online

  Andre stared down at a miniature silver-haired statue with raised fist—and started to chortle.

  It was no laughing matter. I’d just converted live people into garden statuary in front of an audience.

  Admittedly, the gnome’s shocked expression was priceless.

  Eight

  “Out,” I yelled at my startled audience, in the same urgent tone as one would shout “fire.” I pointed at the back door.

  Not stupid, the student protesters fled the office, leaving scattered garden gnomes rolling about the filthy floor. My handiwork seldom resembled my creative imagination. These were damned mean looking elves. I wondered what was happening to the half dozen or so guards outside.

  Stifling his laughter, Andre studied the fallen statues, crossed the room, and locked the back door after the last fleeing student. Then he turned and regarded me. “Now what?”

  “Umm, we take them to Acme and set them on the conference table while we discuss the eminent domain suit that we were never told about?” I suggested. “Tim, are you still here?”

  Invisible Boy popped into view, managing to look sheepish and shocked at the same time. He’d grown a few inches since I’d last taken him Goodwill hunting. His jeans barely covered his ankles, and his suede boots had holes in the sides. He needed a haircut. He looked like a shaggy character in a Scooby-Doo cartoon.

  “I was just hanging out to see if you needed me,” he said.

  “Impolite to hang out when no one knows you’re around,” I corrected in big sister mode. “It’s like eavesdropping. Find some newspapers and wrap up the statues and let’s box them up. We’ll let Paddy deal with them.”

  Andre was chuckling again as he toed one of the little monsters. “Can we keep them? What if we built shelves for them on the walls at Chesty’s?”

  “Seriously, Andre? You’ve just learned the EPA is in the process of condemning everything you own, and you want to dance with garden ornaments?” I had my phone out, punching numbers again.

  “Would anyone care to explain what just happened here?” Cora asked in righteous bewilderment. “Am I losing my mind or is this a mass hallucination?”

  Cora knew I was peculiar but hadn’t actually witnessed my earlier weirdnesses. Neither had Bill, but he remained a stoic observer. Andre just left me to explain, as usual.

  “We’re fine,” I said curtly, “The Zone is just fucked. Let me speak to Padraig Vanderventer, please,” I said to the receptionist answering my call.

  I had a lot of experience in bad vibes, and I was quaking with them now. Andre had to unlock the back door for Tim to slip out in search of newspapers. I followed on his heels. We still had a situation back at my office and cops would be hauling me into jail if I didn’t put in an appearance soon.

  I didn’t bother checking the mob out front to see if the guards still held them at bay or if the tourists were taking home garden gnome souvenirs.

  “Mr. Vanderventer,” I said in my snottiest voice when Paddy answered. He used to wander the Zone like a homeless bum, scrounging meals from Chesty’s kitchen, until I’d got him to start talking to his nephew/son, Max/Dane. Now he was a trustee on Acme’s board and had a real lab to play in.

  “To what do I owe the honor, Miss Clancy?” he asked warily.

  “To the visit of one Graham Young, CEO of MSI and apparently new owner of the Zone. Know anything about that?”

  “Owner of the Zone? Since when?” He sounded genuinely puzzled.

  “Probably since MacNeill sold us down the river,” I said with a sigh. MacNeill was the real Max’s dad. Max’s mom owned half of Acme, but she let hubby run things.

  I’d hoped Paddy hadn’t joined the forces of evil after returning to work. But he wasn’t much interested in the politics of a corporate board, so his offense was that of ignorance and neglect.

  “You might try attending a meeting or two occasionally,” I told Paddy. “I don’t suppose you recall hearing anything at all about this Medical Science Inc.?”

  I was half way up the hill with Andre hot on my heels. Cora and Bill must have obediently scattered in search of newspapers and boxes with Tim. They still didn’t know for sure that I’d done the dirty deed, but a few more episodes, and they’d work it out.

  “MacNeill has been dealing with MSI,” Paddy confirmed. “They have some kind of grant from the university to research our formerly comatose patients. We probably should have shot those med students before they spread the word about the miracle cures.”

  I snorted. “Thanks, Padraig. I’ll keep that in mind next time Acme poisons the town, and we need medical help. Shoot the doctors.”

  “Shoot MacNeill.” He hung up. Paddy lacked a sense of humor. He probably meant it. Former senator Mike MacNeill was a felonious asshat who had been booted from his senatorial office for nefarious dealings years ago.

  I had to shift gears when I arrived at my office just as the coroner’s office was rolling a body out on a gurney. I offered up a good thought or two for the goon’s family, then cringed, wondering how many families I’d just affected with stone statuary.

  Maybe the fascist guards would take up gardening once they came back around. It wasn’t as if Saturn had given me a rule book. I simply didn’t know.

  Officer Tallent didn’t look any too happy about my departure. Since he hadn’t bothered coming to look for me after I’d requested his help, he didn’t get any sympathy. I told him clearly and concisely what very little I knew. He threatened to take me downtown when I refused to repeat myself. I retaliated by telling him Julius was my lawyer, and he could direct any further questions to him. He shut up and left me alone. I sought Sarah in my office.

  She wasn’t there, naturally.

  Ned carried in a cup of coffee, which I gratefully accepted.

  “I’ve hired a clean-up crew one of the officers recommended,” he said. “We probably should close for the day.”

  “You’ve earned a day off,” I acknowledged. “This is good coffee. Where did you find the urn so quickly?”

  “Malik at the mini-mart had just ordered new ones and hadn’t set them up yet. He was more than happy to make a profit on one. We may have to charge by the cup to pay back Mr. Legrande.”

  “We’ll just call it part of his capital improvements in the building.” I dismissed his concern for Andre’s money. We had bigger problems on the line. “You go on and I’ll lock up in a few minutes.”

  As soon as Ned left, I called Jane the journalist and my access to the latest local news. She only worked for an online rag and had to supplement her income by asking people if they wanted their order supersized, but she was no slacker.

  “I’m on my way out,” she said breathlessly in answer to my call. I could hear her toddler yelling in the background. “Have you got something interesting?”

  “Eminent domain in the Zone. Fancy new medical clinic by a company called Medical Sciences Inc. Ring any bells?”

  “A filthy rich sheik just awarded the university with a few fortunes for saving his son’s life. Medical Sciences is a spin-off. Don’t know more than that. Eminent domain?” She whistled.

  “Exactly. Keep me posted on anything you find, and I’ll do the same.”

  “Start riots and I’ll be on top of the story. Fires, death, action,” she prompted.

  “I’m trying to prevent those,” I reminded her. “Sometimes, the news ought to warn people before the fact.”

  “Doesn’t sell papers. Will do what I can.”

  She rang off. Cynicism bites.

  I decided I could make these calls just as easily from my front room with my cat on my lap to keep my tension levels below electric wire proportions. Doing my best not to look toward the dark back of the lobby, I locked up and crossed the street. The fog was finally lifting.

  My cell rang before I made it up the stairs. “Wassup?” I asked wearily and unprofessionally, recognizing Max’s ringtone.

  “Happy birthday, Tina,” he said in the same weary tone. “The gas li
nes erupted two streets from Hell’s Mansion.”

  Rich people going without heat didn’t roll my wheels as much as poor ones. I chose to smile that he remembered my birthday instead of fretting over what I couldn’t control. I unlocked my locks and welcomed Milo’s cry of greeting.

  “Can you get solar panels?” I asked frivolously. “And what do you know about Acme condemning the Zone with eminent domain?”

  “They can’t do that, can they?” he asked, diverted from his own predicament. “I mean, I’m all for it. The place should have been condemned ten years ago. Andre will walk away with a lot more than he put into the place. But Acme can’t do a thing. The state has to condemn the property for a public purpose, like a highway.”

  “Or a medical research clinic?” I wasn’t going into the argument about people giving up their homes and lives, yadda yadda. We’d had it before. Max had grown up rich and privileged. His family probably owned half a dozen houses. They had country clubs, private schools, and ivy league colleges for networking.

  Those of us in the Zone were lucky to have one hovel apiece. We hung on to our jobs by our knuckles. We used the street for playground, community, and education. Taking away our neighborhood would take away more than just our homes and livelihood—it robbed us of the village we needed for support.

  “Nonprofit research, for the public good, maybe,” Max said dubiously. “But Acme’s never been a nonprofit.”

  “We have a Graham Young down here declaring he’s building a tribute to medical science on our land. MSI just got a grant for a bundle of money from the university. You really, really do not want normal people down here. And if they condemn our homes, I’m sending everyone in the Zone up to Hell’s Mansion to live with you.”

  “So the place can blow up faster. Good thinking, Justy. I don’t understand why you defend that disaster zone.”

  Sitting on my window seat in the front bay window with Milo on my lap, I watched Tim carrying a box of stone gnomes up to my office door and leave it on my step. If I was really lucky, Graham Young with his smug arrogance was freezing his butt off in that box. And Max wanted to know why I defended the Zone.

  “You’d have to live here to understand. And if Granny blows up her mansion, you might just end up living with us and find out. Should we call in a priest to exorcise her?”

  “Couldn’t hurt,” he agreed wearily, giving up the Zone argument. “A posse of them maybe.”

  I knew I should be worried and horrified. Except, after living through the time with Max in hell’s outer dimensions and gas attacks that left my friends comatose, I couldn’t get too riled by exploding grannies. I was still striving for normal. “Can I watch?”

  “Sure. Bring the Mormon tabernacle choir and we’ll have the film at ten.”

  I giggled. On a day like this, I giggled. That was my old Max talking, the man I missed, who’d once ridden a Harley, fixed car engines, and made crazy mad love to me.

  “Benedictine nuns,” I suggested. “They’re closer.”

  “I’ll give you a date,” he agreed. “Thanks, Justy. And I’ll look into the eminent domain thing. Christmas at the mansion doesn’t offer better entertainment.”

  I heard a boom in the distance. Max cursed, letting me know he was still alive.

  “I’ll get back to you—if I don’t blow up,” he promised.

  I suspected people would pay more attention if pricey Ruxton blew up than if the Zone did, but we didn’t need attention. We needed supernatural help. I was learning that came with a steep price—and it looked like I was the one to pay it.

  Nine

  The accumulating stacks of gnome boxes had nearly blocked my office door by lunch time. I clung to the hope that meant Tim and company had wrapped each one in lots of padding and that I hadn’t petrified an army. It was only just sinking in that Sarah had killed a man in my office, a man presumably looking for me—while carrying a gun. An army of Nazi gnomes with guns didn’t relieve my nervous anxiety.

  I spent the rest of my morning hiding in my room, responding to a few cursory birthday messages on Facebook. Because I’m cautious and always plan ahead, I also started a search for affordable housing. So far, I hadn’t found any homes available for nothing upfront and next to nothing a month.

  About the time my stomach finally realized it hadn’t been fed, my door rattled, and Schwartz shouted, “You have to come out sometime, Tina. Ernesto said his new cook is testing pot roast on the lunch crowd.”

  “I don’t eat pot roast, Schwartz.” But I was tired of my own company. I offered Milo a ride in my tote, and he accepted. That probably meant trouble, but what else was new?

  I was still wearing my lawyer clothes, so I was at least respectable. I was a walking target any way I looked at it. If someone else wanted to rub me out, I might as well look decent for the morgue.

  I opened the door and handed the heavy tote to Schwartz. He looked startled, exchanged glares with my cat, then shouldered the burden.

  “There’s some kind of new soup, too,” he said. “Crowds are picking up with these tourists, so they’re expanding the menu.”

  Why tourists? Why now? What idiot was advertising the Zone as a safe place to visit? Maybe I should be looking into that instead of exploding wreaths.

  I really ought to take Schwartz to bed and forget my problems for a few hours. I wasn’t sure if I was saving myself or saving Schwartz for a better opportunity. The inclination just wasn’t there.

  “Soup is good,” I agreed. “Any more impending riots I should be aware of?”

  “After the garden gnome incident, the place cleared out. Want to explain that sometime?” With old-fashioned etiquette, he opened the downstairs door for me.

  “Why do you think I can explain anything any better than Andre? The Zone doesn’t like being attacked. End of story.” So, I lie. Professional hazard.

  “You think the Zone is some kind of sentient being that plans these things?” he asked incredulously.

  “I don’t think anything. I just like to stay the hell out of the way. Although if you want to believe in the power of prayer or the power of a group mind, you could be onto something. We wished them gone, and poof, the Nazis disappeared.”

  “Stone gnomes are strange souvenirs to leave behind,” he said grumpily. “It’s gonna be tough to explain to the precinct when the missing persons reports are filed, although the lot that went missing from Acme eventually showed up. Maybe you’re on to something.”

  Outside, we met with no snow, no fog, just the usual blue glimmer of the buildings below, faintly visible in the gray day. I’d approve, except I was now seeing an eerie red glow around the manhole covers and through cracks in the street. Really, maybe we ought to be scouting new locations.

  “Group mind,” Schwartz snorted, slowly following my earlier suggestion. “If all the brains around here were put in one pot, it might make one whole. New theory needed.”

  “Provide your own, Schwartz. My head has retired for the day. I would simply like some hot soup with some of those yummy oat rolls Jimmy made last week and no one shooting at me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

  No snow and no steaming gutters distracted me as we walked down the hill. It was almost a normal, crisp December day. We lacked Christmas lights, but who needed them when the sewers blazed red? Wonder what it would take to get a little green around here?

  Given our environmental disaster problem, going green was a joke.

  Loud music poured from Chesty’s even before we opened the door. It’s hard keeping the music pumping when the Zone messed with electronics, but apparently we’d expended enough bad energy today and the good vibes flowed, even though it was only afternoon. I was already feeling cheerier and humming to the beat when we entered.

  “Surprise!”

  The music kicked into a painful birthday rock song. Balloons dropped and the crowd shouted and screamed “Happy birthday!”

  I almost fell on my face. I grabbed my chest, certain my tic
ker had stopped ticking.

  Andre swung me off the floor and planted a smooth, rich one smack on my mouth. Before I could start drooling, he slid me down his front, allowing full access to the whole package before he gestured for a glass of champagne.

  I detest champagne, but I was too totally stunned to notice the taste. And I couldn’t say for certain if that was due to Andre’s kiss or the surprise party. I tingled in places that hadn’t tingled for a long time, my eyes moistened, and a strange emotion ballooned in my chest that I thought might be joy. I wasn’t sure because it had been so long since I’d known true exhilaration. The sensation was more dizzying than the champagne.

  A man had died this morning. Fascists had threatened us with condemnation. But the Zone partied. I got that. But to go to all this trouble for me . . .

  I’d never had a birthday party. I caught a balloon and hugged it and batted back tears. “I love you guys,” I muttered, leaning back against Andre and letting him hold me while I appreciated the truly admirable chaos.

  Chesty’s walls were decorated with naked mural figures that, like the Zone’s statues, had developed a life of their own. They were rocking hard, pumping their fists and gyrating the way they’d never done before. Ernesto’s pole dancers wore their finest feathers and cheered to the stupid birthday song as they writhed. Cora was twisting and swaying with Bill, while her boss tossed one of the waitresses in some fancy swing move. Sarah, with her Godiva hair rippling, was shyly sitting at the bar and listening to Ernesto.

  Milo leaped out of the tote and went in search of mice in the kitchen.

  All was right in my world for this one moment. This was why we needed the Zone. I might wonder about Max in his lonely haunted mansion, but this was my world, my people, not his. I wiped a tear from my eye, handed my champagne and balloon to Schwartz, and rocked into the crowd, with Andre hot on my tail.

  ***

  “Unless somebody can produce no-see-um magic to disguise our existence, I vote we talk to the environmental agencies and whoever else is prying around,” I proposed over a bowl of scrumptious kale soup. My empty stomach had finally demanded feeding while the party partied on. Given Ernesto’s tightwad tendencies, this wasn’t exactly a private celebration. Some of the hard hats had taken up stools at the bar, and a scattering of tourists had stared for a while before joining us on the dance floor.